I read The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry for the first time recently and I was in tears by the end of it. I had heard of the quote "what is essential is invisible to the eye" before out of context and I didn’t think much of it, except it would randomly pop up in my mind sometimes. I will get these quotes that “stick to me” for a minute before I find the source of them and then whenever I come across the source, it’s like a little map that I end up using in some way.
When I decided to go all in on my art and own this part of me that I always kept to myself, the pull was very heart-led. It felt so exciting and it was easy to just suddenly fall into it. I never consciously realised I had this desire to own myself as an artist outwardly, I would describe myself as creative but that’s about it. Though when I’m reflecting, I’ve always fallen back on my creativity to help me through a lot of experiences, it was just deeply private because it was an unconscious way of processing. So, identifying as an artist and taking up the space in owning this sudden desire that came out of nowhere (to my conscious mind), that was really terrifying at first. I realised quickly though that it was only scary if I started focusing too much on what other people might think of me.
The way I would describe that *initial* terror I felt about being seen was like if I had unzipped my body and I was exposing my insides, like my organs and everything. Pretty horrific scene but like genuinely if I had to paint a picture (haha). For context, I used to be someone who would hate sharing music I loved except with a select few (but lowkey I still preferred letting anyone else play their music), because I felt like music was too personal and I didn’t like that feeling of vulnerability. Remembering that younger version of me compared to when I first started calling myself an artist earlier this year, to now, it has been really amusing to notice the contrast. Allowing that initial fear of vulnerability and openness to be apart of this experience, while refusing to let it deter me has been so so priceless and it didn’t even last for as long as I was prepared to deal with it for.
I think a huge part of why that terror didn’t last long despite it being really full on at first was because I didn’t just avoid focusing on what other people might think. I straight up gutted the whole concept, I got really honest with myself about projecting my own self-judgement onto others. Like who’s really judging me if I’m the only one assuming that to be true? Me. Well, that feels crappy. Drop it then? there’s no gun to your head.
Then came along some imposter syndrome but that was kind of funny. I think because I see art as intrinsic to being human, it’s like we breathe and create meaning 24/7 ever since the day we were born, whether you’re aware of it or not, you are telling a story about yourself and your life always. Art is consciously created meaning, it’s a channel that everyone can tap into whenever they want. I don’t believe that art is this exclusive little club reserved for specific people. So when that little bout of imposter syndrome popped up, I took it as an opportunity to double down on my view of art, more so than falling for an illusion of proving my worthiness.
So many monumental, “invisible” markers of success that I didn’t notice because truthfully, my focus had been swept up in not having sold more paintings yet. I couldn’t see the value of this whole process that was right in front of me because I was keeping myself stuck, waiting to be validated and damn, I just became aware in real time that I did indeed fall into that illusion of proving myself for a min. Sheesh.
Anyway, surrendering to the process solely for the love of the process itself is what feels right for me and keeps me in a space of play > performance. And my art only feels more and more a reflection of this freedom, which makes my heart so happy.
“…you can only see things clearly with your heart. What is essential is invisible to the eye”
TTYL
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